AkeAkatsuki

    When did religion become what it is now? When did it stop being a sacred thing? When did religion become so mainstream? When did it become so damn biased? I have had countless people tell me that my religion isn’t real. I’ve been called a devil-worshipper and a demon. I can understand others not getting me religion, not believing it personally. But you can’t tell me to my face it isn’t real, because there are thousands of other practitioners all over the world. But it wasn’t the people who called me unholy and blasphemous that made me that upset. What made me upset was the fact that there was a rule in my intermediate high school that said I couldn’t wear anything with a certain symbol of my religion. Christians can wear crosses and crucifixes, Jews can wear the star of David, any other religion is allowed to show their devotion in a simple and easy way. All I wanted to wear was a simple metal necklace. But right there, in simple black and white the rule was printed in the school handbook. It said all pentagrams were banned because they were satanic. Not only was the information wrong, an inverted pentagram is what the satanic church uses, but there’s also the fact that Satanism is considered a religion. My school blatantly called out a single religion and said anything to do with it was banned. I am not Satanic, I am Pagan. Though no matter what, what the school did was wrong. Absolutely wrong.

            When I first saw that rule written so innocently in my school handbook, I saw red. I was just so angry at the audacity the school district had. Singling out a religion like that, and not even getting the facts right. Part of me immediately wanted to storm up to my principle and demand answers and change. The more logical part of my brain told me that this was far beyond the control of my kind intermediate principle. So being the young and naïve 8^th grader I was I gave up on trying to change that rule. Now that I’m older and wiser though, I know change has to happen and for it to happen we have to fight. When I know something is unfair and biased, I will fight it. The fighting may never stop but I must go on, because if I don’t, who will?


I wrote this for my terrible Contemporary Lit class, and felt like sharing. *shrug*

So its been a year since my last journal, and since it was such a depressing one, I wanted to get it off my page.

So uhm, this is a really personal journal update about what I've been going through these past couple days. Some of you may know about it but... Most of you don't have any clue.

So lets start out with Sunday, the beginning. As most of you probably know I live with my parents and have gotten into some pretty big trouble over drugs with my parents before. Well I was in an unusually absolutely wonderful mood on Sunday, I went to work, gotta be around my friends there and the cute guy I kinda like was working with me too. And it was all good. Until I got off and called my mom for a ride. She had apparently searched my room and found my smokes and drugs... Which me being stupid was in the house. She pretty much told me that she was going to pick me up, I would pack my bags and get the hell out. Sunday night I ended up staying with my sister. She is a life saver. But she made it extremely clear that I could only stay there for one night. Not because she was being uncaring or anything, its just her financial situation isnt good and she can barely get by with just her and Axel let alone another kid to feed. And quite simply I'm her sister, not her daughter. I am not her responsibilty in any way shape or form. In the morning I had to call my dad and face him. At first I thought that he wouldn't take me in and I'd be homeless. I seriously hadn't cried since that drama over Cara in March... But I've cried so much these past two days. But anyway, he did come get me and we had a major long talk. And I think it was the reality of my world coming crashing down, almost being homeless, not having a way to go to school, let alone graduate. I finally saw sense. I feel absolutely horrible about what I've put my family through. But it's still me, and I still have the same views on marijuana. That isn't what caused this. Its the fact that its illegal and I outright disrespected my parents by having it in the house. Now I'm not saying I will never smoke again. I probably will. And I still kinda want to move out to one of the states its legalized in when I'm 21 or maybe a little bit before. But all in all, it was my own stupid decisions that got me into this mess.

So I was pretty much given 3 choices. Work things out with my mom, live with her and stay in dewitt school and keep the job I actually love. Live with my dad, enroll at Davenport West, quit my current job and find one closer, and have my "bedroom" be the living room, meaning absolutely no privacy. Or the third choice... Being homeless. I think its pretty obvious which one I've chosen. I'll go back and live with my mom until I graduate. I don't think I could handle another new school right after I got settled in and made friends at the one I started this year. And I do really love my job, I love the people I work with and being appreciated there. Even though I think I'd be happier living with my dad than my mom, I wouldn't be happier living in Walcott than in Dewitt. I still have yet to talk to my mom about this... But I have to soon. I tried to today but she didn't answer...

And lastly I wanna talk about what I had first thought the solution was... Until my step-mom said some things to me. Once my sister took me in and said I couldn't stay there for more than one night, and I knew my friends would say the same, and I knew both of my parents pretty much hated my guts at that moment. I had decided I was going to get a bottle of sleeping pills as soon as I could. I was going to get ahold of alcohol, get drunk, and kill myself. And when my dad picked me up and talked about how horrible my decisions were and made me realize all the pain I was putting them through with this... I just decided it would be simpler for everyone if I just killed myself. And thats what my suicide note was going to say. How sorry I was and how I just wanted to make the whole thing easier for everyone. But not to blame themselves because it was my decision. But when my dad and especially my step-mom were talking to me... She told me about how everytime he got a phone call from my mom he would sink back in depression and everytime it happens shes scared its gonna kill him this time... And I realized if I killed myself, he wouldn't be able to go on. He may love my sister like his daughter, but I am his only real blood child. I know I wouldn't be able to take that, ESPECIALLY if it was under my own roof... So I know he wouldn't either.

So far the plan looks like I'm going to spend atleast the week here, and go back to my mom's Sunday night. But I really want to go to work this weekend. Which my dad wouldn't mind if they weren't down to only one car. So I'm gonna try to get him to take me back earlier, and I think he will understand that its not because I don't want to stay with him, but because I made a commitment to my job and I think that will help me get back to a normal life. Like I was supposed to go back to school today. I probably won't go until next Monday, depending on what happens.

This isn't me asking for help, or trying to get sympathy. I just really needed to get this all out and make sense of it all. And I know some of you will appreciate the update.

So I just realized something pretty  amazing about myself. Now whether or not its good I have no clue but atleast its interesting and insightful. My personality changes with the season. In the summer Im all about partying and being "sexy", stupid teenage shit like that. During the fall I feel all chill and laidback and more spiritual. Then in the winter, especially during December, I turn all cutesy and lovey-dovey and all about friends and family and craving a cute relationship, and also I'm, the most prone to life changing events/ideas. Then finally in the spring I start doing more "sexy" things and another time when Im more spiritual.

The winter feeling is being full blown right now, all about love and friendship and family and all the feelings that make you feel warm and fuzzy inside <3

So I wanna talk about drugs and self harm in a way that is very personal to me. This theory came to me when I was actually brain storming for a yin&yang/two-sides-of-me type drawing. So pretty much the idea was to draw druggie me as the dark or "evil" side and sober me as the light or "good" side of me, but since in the yin and yang symbol there is a spot of dark in the light and a spot of light in the dark, I would relate that in my feelings towards being high and sober, in that the fact that the only time I feel okay and happy and not like a total bitch who hates everyone including herself, is when I'm high. But theres still the stigma surrounding drugs and my parents' reaction to it that makes it the "evil" dark side of me. Then there's the sober side of me, which is fine usually. Except I've come to realize now that I'm not smoking anymore, that I can't be sober without being a self-harmer again. The ONLY thing that has kept me from cutting again since I quit is cigarettes, and my job in a way does too. I'm extremely irritable and unhappy and goddamn angry all the time when I'm sober. So I've come to realize that I have to choose between my relationships with my parents and risk getting seriously in trouble, or going back to being seriously depressed and chance ruining my friendships and go back to self-harming. Its truly one or the other, there is a very fine line in between and I've been tight-rope walking it for awhile now and I feel like I have to make a decision. Though now I realize, I do need to balance my activities better than I used to. If I start using again, then I can't do it all the fricken time, just weekends or when I'm really goddamn stressed. No more wake&bakes or going to school high. I know for a fact that I could do that just fine. But its if I choose self-harming I'm scared off. I know for a fact that doesn't help anything at all, and really just makes everything 10 times worse. But I miss it so much, hell I even miss it when I'm high sometimes. But if I started self harming again I already know I wouldn't be able to control it at all.

Also something I started thinking about lately, namely in Drawing 1 class when talking to this one kid in there, is the fact that our teenagers today are another generation totally in love with drugs and smoking and stuff. Seriously, at this school there are more smokers and potheads then there are sober "good" kids. And my parents all talk about how high school hasn't changed since they went to high school, but it really has. I truly believe our generation is going to change how the US works. They've already proven that our brains work differently than the generations' before us. And I'm sure that this must be how the teenagers of the 60s and 70s felt, and really they DID change the US and even the world to an extent. Sexual freedom, fashion, ect. The teenagers are also so different from people even just a few years apart. High school is different right now then it was 5 years ago when my older sister went to high school. Its just crazy. But yeah, I think our generation will change the world. Probably concerning our look on drugs, namely pot.