My Thoughts for 10

1. I still love you. I see your pictures and I see your name and it just makes my heart ache to know that I lost out on you because of some other girl. I'm too scared to tell you this in person. I'm terrified because I'm selfish and I know if I ever got to hold you I would screw it all up. I'm sorry that I cant be there for you. But a part of me believes its for the better. But whether its better for you or me I'm not sure.

2. I hate you. Youre a complete and utter asshole. But I think thats why we get along so well. You understand that I dont need to be coddled and you dont have a problem pushing me. We can kick and scream at each other and enjoy it. It's messed up and I think I love it. But I wish you would realize that I also want to just lay in your arms and talk, even if it is just sarcastic bickering back and forth. Because theres no way I would expect us to be all lovey and doe-eyed. That just wouldnt be me or you or us.

3. First and foremost, I miss you. You're the twin brother I always wanted and it feels like Im walking around without an arm. I love you. Im not always sure how and which way, but that will never change. I think Im in love with you. And that scares me. Keep your head up. I know you dont like showing this vulnerable side of you but I love you all the more for it. You can be so damn intelligent and it scares me sometimes because you have more wisdom than I could hope to have. Youll always be my Little Kandi Raver <3

4. I find it so damn hypocritical that you said youd love me forever and never hate me. Youre a bitch. Now you wont even look at me. Just cause Im friends with a guy you hate. So are half your other friends you stupid cunt. You were a completely different person with me. Now that youre at school you are some shallow fake little girl.

5. Oh wow. I know you absolutely hate me, but please know I dont hate you, atleast not anymore. Because I just pity you. Youre so fake and shallow and I feel so sorry for that baby growing inside of you. The poor thing doesnt have a chance. Youre so selfish that you dont even take into account what that little baby will have to go through. Yes this is mean, but what you did to me was worse. Im fine with pretending you dont exist, cant you pay me the same respect?

6. I envy you. Youre the type of person I always wanted to be and Ill admit I kinda idolize you. I truly dont understand how you can consider me to be one of your bestfriends, but Im so happy that you do. Youre so much of a better person than me. It makes me wonder how I can stand being the type of person I am. On more than one occasion, Ive wished to be you.

7. Sometimes I cant stand to be around you or talk to you. You remind me so much of who I used to be and who I cant go back to being. Innocent, happy, sober. I realize I really do push us apart but its just because I cant stand to realize how much of a failure I am compared to you.

8. I cant believe youre taking away the only thing that makes me sane. I know its bad and "evil" and illegal. But cant you see? Without it Im a wreck. We havent fought in months and now that I cant do it were fighting nonstop. Cant you see its making me depressed? I havent been like this in months, since I started this habit. And I hate it so damn much. Just because youre in charge of me doesnt mean you can control me. I will still do it, I have to. Without it Im a monster.

9. I find it almost funny that we used to hate each other so much. If anyone had told me my freshman year that you were going to mean this much to me I wouldve told them hell no and to fuck off. But you do mean a lot to me and I really miss you. I miss being able to tell you about all the little trivial things and just how relaxed our friendship was. I think youd be proud of me, Im a whore like you now

10. I am really sorry. But I guess now I truly am your daughter. We can be so similar its almost scary. I know you just dont want me to go down the same path as you but I cant see myself even being capable of being happy any other way. You understand my emotions and how it can be unbearable at times, so why dont you understand that I need this? I know you think its just the easy way out, and it probably is, but wouldnt you rather have a high daughter than a suicidal one?